This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
We are two peas in an std pod
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
