Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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