If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
