Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
How does one acquire holy water?
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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