Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
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