last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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