I love black thongs
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
