My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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