apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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