I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
