I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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