I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
