wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
