my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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