The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
