Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
