Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
