I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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