My first STD was from a foam party
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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