I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
