i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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