I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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