my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
