I haven't been this sober since birth.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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