God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
