You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
