i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
