mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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