had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
