Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
