I only kidnapped one of them. chill
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
