was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
