apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
