There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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