i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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