So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
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