Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
