the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
