Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
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