I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Randomize
