Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
