Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
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