No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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