as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
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