I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
