I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
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