Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I showed him my bush... on skype.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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