Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
