we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
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