I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
just come out here and I will go home with you...
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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