Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Congratulations! We have a period
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
