Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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