I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
